If you wish to perform this play, contact Clayton at swimrdie@gmail.com

And include the location, dates, and cast details.

There are no royalties to purchase; the play is free to perform.

Kiss Me, Nate

(Or Why Boys Are The Biggest Bitches of All)

Based upon William Shakespeare’s “The Taming of The Shrew”

Adapted into 21^st century gayness by Clayton Kinnelon Greiman

With text by William Shakespeare and Clayton Kinnelon Greiman

Cast

Nate: A headstrong gay boy

Petruchio: Nate’s butch, handsome tamer

Bryan: Nate’s Brother. The tramp of the play.

Lucentio: Bryan’s oh so handsome suitor. A luscious creature!

Gremio: Old and lustful (but wealthy!). Chasing after Bryan’s hot ass.

Baptista: Long suffering mother to Nate and Bryan

Gabriel: Petruchio’s spandex-clad slave

Notes:

In the original production, Gremio had to be portrayed by the writer due to necessity, so some lines were cut and others were altered to fit his younger age. The character was made very flamboyant…so that any attraction Bryan might have for him would be negated. Alternate lines for a younger Gremio can be found at the end of the play.

On costumes: All costumes should be very modern. Tight, body-baring clothes for the male members of the cast (with the exception of Gremio…but even he can show some skin in Scene 10 if he’s portrayed by a younger actor.) When the wedding comes around, Nate, Lucentio, Baptista, and Gremio all should dress up and look their best. Bryan comes sliding through Petruchio’s legs, so his contempt for the ceremony is obvious. He should be “dressed down” for the affair.

First Performed on July 19, 2002 at Live Arts in Charlottesville, Virginia

Directed by Clayton Kinnelon Greiman

Offstage Voices:

Gremio: Signora Baptista, if Bryan be wed to me, he shall be rich beyond all reckoning!

Lucentio: All the gold you offer comes with not one drop of love.

Signora Baptista, would you not rather have your son wed to a man who truly loves him?

Scene 1

Enter Baptista, Bryan, Lucentio, and Gremio

Baptista: Gentlemen, burden me no more

For you know how firmly I am resolved—

Not to marry my youngest son

Before I have a husband for the elder.

If either of you love Nathaniel,

Leave shall you have to court him at your pleasure.

Gremio: To wrestle with him rather! He’s too rough for me!

Perhaps he is the husband for you, Lucentio;

You sought his affections not so long ago,

Yet now, you look to his brother for love.

Who should be next in this merry game of incest?

The family’s white Persian pussy?

Bryan: I warn you, speak not of my pussy.

Lucentio: Why wouldst thou pursue someone who loves thee not?

Can you not see how Bryan doth love me?

Before the last line, Bryan is no doubt being vapid and staring at Lucentio’s ass…but upon hearing those last words, he feigns sincerity and wraps his arms around Lucentio lovingly.

Gremio: Oh, naïve Lucentio, that whore loves but a few inches of any man

And cares not whether the rest of him be attached.

Bryan: I could not feign imagine another part of you

To be as tragically laughable as your face…

Until I saw you running naked last night

After a fast fleeing prostitute and found this to be untrue.

Gremio: This you no doubt witnessed

From the street corner where you yourself stood,

Auctioning off your own varied assortment of venereal diseases.

Bryan: Why do you not return to the home

For the aged and infirmed from which you escaped

And rest content that your decrepit form

Will soon be shielded from sight by six feet of earth?

Gremio: A grave may hunger for a man, but has never a taste for his gold,

And all of mine left above (offering money or other token of wealth)

When I lie beneath

Shall be yours if you but wed me.

Bryan: (Taking the offering)

And be gummed to orgasm for the rest of my years? I think not.

Gremio: I have as many teeth as you’ve had lovers,

And by all accounts, that’s more than a full set!

Enter Nate dramatically, slamming a door or showing some other sign of temper, with his entrance.

Nate: I pray you, mother, is it you will

To make a whore of me amongst these mates?

Gremio: No mates for you, lad, unless you were of a gentler, milder mold.

Nate: In faith, sir, you shall never need to fear.

For had God not beaten me to it at the hour of your birth

I would not hesitate to strike your face and use you for a fool.

Lucentio: From all such devils, good Lord, deliver us!

Gremio: And me too, good Lord! That wench is stark, raving mad!

Baptista: Bryan, get you in, and safely away from this strife.

Nate: Intercepting and grabbing him by the throat

A pretty pet you’ll make for me one day!

Lucentio: Rescuing Bryan

Signora Baptista, what man would marry this fiend of hell?

Nate: What’s this? A sudden fit of butchness?

Had you been as much a man a fortnight ago,

I assure you, never would we have parted.

Baptista: No more of this. Come, Bryan, let us away.

Nathaniel, you may stay, for I have more to discuss with your brother.

Nate: Why, and I trust I may go too, may I not?

What, shall I be appointed hours as though

I knew not when to go and when to leave? Ha!

Nate grabs Bryan by the hair and exits with him; Baptista pursues them.

Gremio: You may crawl up the devil’s ass and die there!

Lucentio: We must get a husband for this fiend of a brother.

Gremio: A husband? What that boy needs is an exorcist!

Think’st thou Lucentio, though his mother be very rich,

Any man is so very a fool to be married to hell?

Lucentio: Though it is past your patience and mine to

Endure his loud shouts—why, man, there be good fellows in the world…

If a man could find them, would take Nate for all his faults, with money enough.

Gremio: I cannot tell. But I had as well take that dowry with this condition:

To wear last year’s spring Prada fashions for this year’s fall.

Lucentio: Faith, as they say, there’s small choice in bitchy boys.

But come, by helping Baptista’s eldest son to a husband

We set his youngest free to be wed.

Gremio: I am agreed, and could I give such a man all my riches

To begin his wooing that would thoroughly wed him, bed him, and rid the house of him!

Lucentio: I think I know just the sort of man.

Gremio: (cattily) I had no doubt you would.

They Exit

Scene 2

Offstage: Voices of Petruchio and Gabriel

Petruchio: Must you go out of doors dressed in such a fashion?

Gabriel: I assure you I am the lesser cursed of this sad pairing;

My miserable dress is alterable; your miserable face is not!

Loud Slap is heard.

Petruchio: Take that, Jezebel! Now hold to thy bruised face and lead onward!

Gabriel (as a spandex clad “superhero”) enters, followed by Petruchio. A few steps into the entrance Petruchio speaks:

Petruchio: Halt, boy. I must be refreshed.

Gabriel hands Petruchio a baby bottle of booze from his trusty utility belt.

Gabriel: (aside) Well, there goes the rest of this day.

Petruchio: (Giving empty bottle back to Gabriel)

Here, servant, knock I say.

Gabriel: Knock, sir? (Looking through audience)

Whom should I knock? Is there any man has abused your worship?

Petruchio: Villain, I say, knock me here soundly.

Gabriel: Knock you here, sir? Why, what am I, that I should knock you?

Petruchio: Villain, I say, knock me at this gate,

And rap me well, or I’ll knock your damn head!

Gabriel: My master is grown quarrelsome. (Next line to a member of the audience)

I should knock you first, and then know after who comes by the worst.

Petruchio: Will it not be?
In faith, if you’ll not knock, then I’ll wring it.

Starts choking Gabriel.

Gabriel: Help! Help! My master is mad!

Petruchio: Now knock when I bid you, villainous ass!

Shoves Gabriel to the ground

Enter Lucentio

Lucentio: How now, what’s the matter between the fair Gabriel and my good friend Petruchio?

Gabriel: (Aside) I was holding out for a hero, and here he’s come!

Lucentio: Rise, Gabriel, rise. (Extends his hand to help Gabriel up)

Gabriel: (Starry-eyed) Thank you, Lucentio.

Hold me steady; I hath not the strength to stand after such a beating.

Petruchio: I warrant you would have the strength to stand had a woman parted our fray.

Gabriel: If this be not a lawful cause for me to leave his service—

Look you, he bid me knock him and rap him soundly,

Well, was it fit for a servant to use his master so?
Whom would to God I had well knocked at first,

Then had not Gabriel come by the worst.

Petruchio: A senseless villain! Good Lucentio,

I asked the rascal to knock upon your gate

And could not get him for my heart to do it.

Gabriel: Knock at the gate? O heavens!

Spake you not these words plain:

‘Servant, knock me here, rap me here, knock me well, and knock me soundly’
And come you now with ‘knocking at the damn gate’?

Petruchio: Servant, be gone, or talk not, I advise you.

Lucentio: Patience, Petruchio, and tell me, friend, what happy gale has blown you here?

Petruchio: Such wind as scatters young men through the world to seek their fortunes.

In a few words, thus it stands with me:
I have thrust myself into this maze, happily to wed and bed as best I may.

Lucentio: Petruchio, shall I then come straight to the point

And wish thee to a hot-tempered husband?

Petruchio laughs scornfully

Lucentio: And yet, I promise thee he shall be rich, and very rich…

But thou art too much my friend, and I shall not lead thee to him.

Petruchio: Signor Lucentio, between such friends as we,

Few words suffice, and therefore, if thou know

One rich enough to be Petruchio’s husband--

Then remember this:
I come to wed it wealthily,

If wealthily, then happily.

Gabriel: Look you sir; he tells you flatly what his mind is.

Why give him gold enough, and he’ll marry

A one-legged prostitute with as many diseases as a man may count!

Lucentio: I can, Petruchio, help thee to a husband

With wealth enough, and young, and beautiful.

His only fault---and that is fault enough---

Is that he is an intolerable bitch,

Embittered and venomous so beyond all measure

That, were my state far worser than it is,

I would not wed him for a mine of gold.

Petruchio: Lucentio, peace. Thou know’st not gold’s effect.

I will not sleep till I see him.

Gabriel: I pray you, sir, let him go while the humor lasts.

At my word, if this boy knew him as well as I do,

He would think scolding would do little good upon him.

He may perhaps call him a drunken bastard ten times over

---Why, that’s nothing.

I’ll tell you what, if this boy stand up to him but a little,

My master will throw a fist in his face and so disfigure him with it,

That he shall have no more eyes to see with than a cross-eyed cat!

You know him not, sir.

Enter Gremio

Gremio: (Aside) Here’s knavery! See, to beguile the pretty folks,

How the ugly folks lay their heads together.

Gabriel: Who goes there?

Lucentio: Peace, Gabriel. It is the rival of my love.

Gabriel: O that tired old queen, what an ass he is!

Lucentio: God save you and good news greets you, Signor Gremio.

Here is a gentleman who will undertake to woo curst Nathaniel,

Yea, and to marry him, if his dowry please.

Gremio: Leave that labor to great Hercules!

Petruchio: I know he is an irksome, brawling scold. If that be all, I hear no harm.

Gremio: O, sir, such a life with such a husband were indeed strange.

But if you have a strong enough stomach, (Putting his hand on Petruchio’s abdomen)

And, stud, do you ever! Then have at it in God’s name!

But honestly, do you believe you will woo this wildcat?

Gabriel: Will he woo him? Ay, or I’ll hang him!

Petruchio: By idle chatter we are stayed, and my golden cock is kept waiting.

Gentleman, let us venture forth so that I can have at this hellion;

And make sport of the lad’s lusty rebellion.

Exit All.

Scene 3

Enter Nate with the end of a leash

Nate: Be not ashamed, dear pet.

Come out and allow the world to look upon you.

Kneeling down and whistling

(Nicely) Come hither, boy, come hither.

(Roughly) I said, come hither!

Nate jerks end of leash and pulls Bryan onto the stage. There is a collar around his neck to which Nate’s leash is attached.

Bryan: Good brother, wrong me not, nor wrong yourself to make a slave of me.

You know how much I disdain bondage.

Nate smacks his ass, and Bryan moans in pleasure

Nathaniel: Freak, of all thy suitors, I charge thee tell whom thou lov’st best.

Bryan: Believe me, brother, of all men alive

I have not yet beheld that special ‘face’

Which I could fancy more than any other.

Nathaniel: Slut, thou liest! Is it not Lucentio?

Bryan: If you yet fancy him, brother, here I swear

I’ll plead for you, and you shall have him.

Nate: I’ve already ‘had’ him, and twice over with any man is boredom assured.

Bryan: Were that true, he would be dead of some dread venereal disease by now.

But I love him not, so it does not matter.

Nate: O then, perhaps you fancy riches more.

Then, you shall have Gremio to keep you fair.

Bryan: Is it for him you do envy me so?

Nay then, you jest, and now I well perceive

You have but jested all this while.

Nate: If that be jest, what call you this?

Enter Baptista as Nate smacks Bryan across the face.

Baptista: Why, how now!

What has brought about this insolence?

For shame, thou devilish spirit!

Bryan sticks his tongue out at Nate

Nate: His silence flouts me, and I’ll be revenged!

Flies after Bryan but Baptista intercepts him.

Baptista: Not in my sight you won’t! Bryan, get thee in.

Exit Bryan, mocking Nate all the while

Nate: What, will you not suffer me? Nay, now I see

He is your treasure, he must have a husband!

I must dance barefoot at his wedding day!

And, for your love to him, lead his prissy ass straight to hell!

Baptista attempts to interject.

Nate: Talk not to me! I will go sit and wait til I can find occasion for revenge!

Exit Nate

Baptista: Was ever gentlewoman thus grieved as I?

Scene 4

Sound of laughter offstage. Enter Gremio, Lucentio, Petruchio, and Gabriel

Baptista: (aside) But who comes here? What a motley crew is this!

It would seem some circus act has been brought hither before me.

Petruchio: (Crossing to her and kissing her hand)

Good morrow, good lady. Pray have you not a son called Nathaniel, fair and virtuous?

Shocked pause

Baptista: I have a son, sir, called Nathaniel.

Petruchio: I am a gentleman,

That hearing of his beauty and his wit,

His affability and bashful modesty,

His wondrous qualities and mild behavior,

Am bold to show myself a guest within your house,

To make mine eyes the witness of that report which I so oft have heard.

Baptista: You are welcome, sir,

But for my son, Nathaniel, this I know:

He is not for your turn, the more my grief.

Petruchio: I see you do not mean to part with him, or else you like not my company.

Baptista: Mistake me not; I speak but as I find.

Gremio: I pray you; save your goodly speech, Petruchio;

Let us that are poor petitioners speak too.

Lucentio: Signora Baptista…

Gremio: Wealth speaks before poverty! You are marvelous forward!

Petruchio: Signora Baptista, my business asketh haste,

And every day I cannot come to woo.

Baptista: I doubt it not, sir, that you will curse your wooing.

Petruchio: (putting his arm around Baptista’s shoulder)

Mother, I am as arrogant as your Nate is proud-minded,

And a raging fire does consume the thing that feeds its fury.

So your son shall yield to me,

For I am rough and woo not like a boy, but as a man.

Baptista: Well mayst thou woo, and happy be thy speed!

But be thou armed for some unhappy words.

Sounds of violence backstage. Nate is on the warpath.

Petruchio: I pray all you go. I shall attend Nate here

And woo him with some spirit when he comes.

Exit all but Petruchio

Scene 5

Petruchio: Say that he rail, why then I’ll tell him plain

He sings as sweetly as a nightingale.

Say that he frown, I’ll say he looks as clear

As morning roses newly washed with dew.

Say he be mute and will not speak a word,

Why then I’ll commend his muteness

And say he speaketh piercing eloquence.

If he do bid me be gone, I’ll give thanks

As though he bid me stay by him for a week.

Enter Nate

Petruchio: But here he comes, and now, Petruchio, speak.

Good morrow, Nate, for that’s your name, I hear.

Nate: Well have you heard, but something hard of hearing—

They call me Nathaniel that do talk of me.

Petruchio: You lie, in faith, for you are called plain Nate,

And bonny Nate, and sometimes Nate the curst.

But Nate, the daintiest Nate in Christendom, Gesture to Nate’s ‘endowment’ size

Nate of Nate-Hall, my super-dainty Nate---

For dainty are all Nates---and therefore, Nate,

Take this of me:

Hearing thy mildness praised in every town,

Thy virtues spoke of and thy beauty sounded—

Yet no so deeply as thou truly art—

Myself am moved to woo thee for my husband.

Nate: Let him that moved you hither remove you hence!

Nate turns to go, but Petruchio comes from behind, grabs him around the waist, and pulls him to the floor.

Petruchio: Come sit on me. Pretty boys are made to bottom, and thus are you.

Nate: No such cockless bastard as you, if me you mean.

Petruchio: Alas, good Nate, I will not burden thee, (pushing Nate off him)

For, knowing thee to be but young and light—

Nate: Too light for such a jackass as you to catch.

Petruchio: Come, come, you wasp! In faith, you are too angry.

Nate: If I be waspish, best beware my sting.

Petruchio: My remedy is then to pluck it out.

Nate: Ay, if the fool could find where it lies.

Petruchio: Who knows not where a wasp does wear his sting? In his tail.

Nate: In his tongue.

Petruchio: Whose tongue?

Nate: Yours, if you talk of tales, and so farewell.

Nate turns to go

Petruchio: What, with my tongue in your tail?

Nate gasps

Petruchio: Nay, come again. Good Nate, I am a gentleman—

Nate: That I’ll try

Strikes Petruchio across the face

Petruchio: I swear to God—

Nate strikes him again and smiles wickedly.

Nate: I think you’d better leave before you get hurt.

Petruchio slaps him across the face. Nate hits him back, Petruchio once again does the same. (The slaps from each of them getting progressively harder.) Nate tries to hit Petruchio to get the last slap in, but Petruchio grabs his wrist in the attempt and prevents him.

Petruchio: I could go at this all night, but I’d rather it be your ass that takes the pounding

In the following banter, the faces of the actors should be very near to one another, only inches apart, as though they could kiss at any moment. A passion is growing between them; there is an undeniable attraction they hold for one another, but neither is willing to admit they are enjoying this closeness. Sexual tension should be ripe through these lines.

Petruchio: Now if you strike me again, I’ll hurt you.

Nate: You may lose your arms in the process.

Petruchio: (with a masturbatory gesture)

I will have no use for my hands once I am wed to you.

Nate: I would not wed one who is so far beneath me.

Petruchio: Give me but a chance, and I’ll be on top of you.

Nate: What is your family crest—a limp cock?

Petruchio: (turning Nate around so that Nate’s ass is pressed against his front)

A hard, hungry cock, so Nate will be my hen.

Nate: No cock of yours will ever enter anything of mine!

Nate pulls away from him, but Petruchio pursues

Petruchio: By the world, you are a lusty wench!

I love you ten times more than I ever did!

Grabbing Nate’s face

But why in God’s name must look so sour?

Nate: It is my fashion when I see a crab.

Petruchio puts one of his fingers down the front of his pants, withdraws it, and holds it close to Nate’s face

Petruchio: Why, here’s no crab.

Nate: (drawing his face back in disgust)

Oh, yes there is!

Petruchio: Then show it me.

Nate: Had I a glass I would.

Petruchio: Oh, you mean my face? By all that is holy, I am too young for you.

Nate: Yet you are withered!

Petruchio: ‘Tis with cares.

Nate: I care not. Starts to move away from him.

Petruchio: (grabbing Nate by the hair)

Nay, hear you, Nate---in sooth you escape not so.

Nate: I shall hurt you if I stay. Let me go.

Petruchio: Nay, not a whit. I find you passing gentle.

Nate attempts to kick Petruchio and break free, but Petruchio grabs Nate’s leg and trips him, so that he falls onto the floor. Petruchio then begins to “climb up” Nate, so that by the end of the next speech, the front of his body is pressed against Nate’s ass. When “as sweet as springtime flowers” comes around, Petruchio should perform a blatant sexual motion, as though he were making love to Nate.

Petruchio: It was told to me you were rough and bitchy and sluttish,

And now I find that report a very liar,

For thou art pleasant, gamesome, passing courteous,

But slow in speech, yet sweet as springtime flowers.

Nate breaks away after the thrust, but twists his ankle while doing so, and begins to limp upon standing.

Petruchio: Why does the world report that Nate doth limp?

O sland’rous world!

Did anyone ever so become a room as Nate with his princely gate?

O, halt not, and let me see thee walk.

Nate: Where did you study all this goodly speech?

Petruchio: It is my mother’s wit.

Nate: A witty mother. Witless else her son!

Petruchio: Am I not wise?

Nate: You have just enough sense to keep you warm.

Petruchio: What matters wit when in your bed I shall be warm?

And therefore, setting all this chat aside,

Thus in plain terms: your mother hath consented

That you shall be my husband,

And will you, nill you, I will marry you.

Now Nate, I am a husband for your turn;

Thy beauty doth make me like thee well

And thou must be married to no man but me,

For I am he who was born to tame you, Nate, (Grabbing Nate by the waistline of his pants)

And bring you from a wild Nate to a Nate

Conformable as other household Nates.

Enter Baptista, Bryan, Lucentio, and Gremio

Petruchio: Here comes your mother. Never make denial—

I must and will have you for my husband.

Baptista: Now, Signor Petruchio, how speed you with my son?

Petruchio: How but well, Signora Baptista?

It were impossible that I should fail.

Baptista: Why, how now, son, are you out of temper?

Nate: Call you me ‘son’?

Now I promise, you have shown a tender motherly regard

To wish me wed to one half lunatic.

Petruchio: Mother, ‘tis thus:

Yourself and all the world that talked of Nate have talked amiss of him.

If he be a bitch, it is for policy,

For he’s not willful, but modest as the dove;

He is not hot tempered, but calm as the morn;

For patience and chastity he will prove a saint.

To conclude, we have agreed so well together

That Sunday is the wedding day.

Nate: I’ll see thee hanged on Sunday first!

Gremio: Hark, Petruchio, he says he’ll see thee hanged first.

Lucentio: If this be your progress, then goodnight our part.

Petruchio: Be patient, gentleman. I choose him for myself.

If he and I be pleased, what’s that to you?

It is bargained between us that he shall still be bitchy in company.

Goes behind Nate and puts him in a chokehold; Nate fights for all he’s worth through the next set of lines

I tell you, it is incredible to believe

How much he loves me—O the kindest Nate!

He hung about my neck, and kiss on kiss

He won me to his love.

Baptista: I know not what to say, but give me your hands.

Petruchio forces his hand over Nate’s, and then Baptista takes both their hands in her own.

Baptista: God send you joy, Petruchio! I do profess, it is a match.

Lucentio/Gremio/Bryan: Amen!

Petruchio: Mother, and husband, and gentleman, adieu.

And kiss me, Nate, we will be married on Sunday.

Petruchio grabs Nate by the back of the hair and moves as though he were going to kiss him

Nate: Kiss this!

Nate knees Petruchio between the legs and storms off.

Gremio: I could have told you that was coming.

Petruchio: (in agony) Then why the hell didn’t you?

Gremio: Oh, and miss such a spectacle? I think not.

Petruchio growls at him, then exits

Scene 6

Gremio: Now, Signora Baptista, to your youngest son:

This is the day that we have longed looked for.

I am your neighbor and was suitor first.

Lucentio: And I am one that loves Bryan

More than words can witness, or thoughts can guess.

Gremio: (Stroking the biggest of the rings he wears)

Thou canst not love so dear as I.

Bryan: Even with Viagra, thy love doth freeze.

Gremio: (acting out the line) Let me swipe my gold card through your ass cheeks,

And I’ll wager you’ll warm fast enough.

Bryan crosses away from him, to the safety of Lucentio’s arms.

Lucentio: A man who weds for wealth is bankrupt,

But a man who weds for love is rich beyond any kingdom.

Gremio: Why do you even bother speaking, gigolo? ‘Tis wealth that nourishes.

Bryan: But butchness in boys’ eyes that flourishes.

Baptista: Content you, gentleman; I will resolve this matter.

‘Tis deeds must win the prize,

And he that can assure my son greatest dowry

Shall have my Bryan’s love.

Say, Signor Gremio, what can you assure him?

Gremio: (Smiling triumphantly) Watch this!

Gremio claps his hands and a dumb show set to Madonna’s “Material Girl” begins. Gabriel enters as a model, wearing a full-length fur…which he gives over to Bryan during the course of the song. If you can’t obtain the rights to use “Material Girl” then find another suitable song to use for the scene. Scene can be as complex or as minimalist as need be in terms of choreography and the gifts Gremio has Gabriel present to Bryan. If “Material Girl” is used, a definite must of the choreography is Lucentio and Gabriel lifting up Bryan (as in Madonna’s video) at the start of the first chorus. Music fades out. Gabriel comes to Gremio with palm outstretched for money thereafter; it is given him.

Gremio: If I die tomorrow, all this is his,

If while I live he will be mine alone.

Gabriel: (aside to Gremio)

You might as well ask

The sun never to set,

The tides never to rise,

As to ask that whore

To keep to one man’s bed.

Gremio: (aside to Gabriel)

Once I marry him, he will never get away.<