The Gay Clause
This play is free to perform. If you wish to perform it, e-mail Clayton at swimrdie@gmail.com
Important
note: There are those who would slam this play as being homophobic for the
frequency with which anti-gay slur words are utilized in the dialogue. My intent was
to make the hatred so unnatural that anyone who came into a performance of the
play with anti-gay hatred in their hearts would be disgusted by themselves by
the play's end. More specifically, I wanted to slam those who hate
homosexuals and disguise their hatred beneath the veneer of religious
beliefs. In this world of Darkness, it's effortless to have a heart filled
with hatred, to pass judgment upon others, and then to say you're doing right by
your god when all you're really doing is surrendering to the base nature of your
humanity. It's Love and goodwill to all that is the elusive religion, and
it's tragic that more men and women don't practice it.
Cast:
Pa Ford
Ma Ford
Jacob Ford (15-16 years of
age)
Grandma Ford (appearing only
as an offstage voice)
Christian “Todd” Carpenter
(17-18 years of age)
Mrs. Carpenter
Lawyer (in his late 20’s)
Note
on the set: The only portions of the
house that have to be represented onstage are the living room and Jacob’s
bedroom. The bedroom is on the same
floor as the living room; only a door separates the two rooms. In the
living room, there is either a staircase to an upstairs landing (where Grandma
Ford's offstage voice will be heard) or a door in the back of the living room
that can open and shut as needed (when Ma Ford has to exit to either 'give the
works to' or beat Grandma Ford). Jacob’s bedroom must be very sparse
with only a
bed and a dresser as furnishings. Keep in
mind, he lives in a very religious household, and no posters of any kind would
be tolerated. The duller and more drab
the environment of his bedroom, the more appropriate it would be to the
atmosphere.
As for the living room, it is the main room of a household of poor
white-trash religious zealots, so have the furnishings be basic, a bit tacky,
not in the best condition, and with items of religious significance on the
walls. There are two essential pieces
of furniture that have to be in the living room. The first is an armoire or
dresser in which three people can fit/stand.
It’s old and decrepit, so the Fords have put a piece of cloth to serve
as a side panel where the wood has fallen out.
The other (emphasizing the trashy side of the family) is a lighted sign hanging on the wall that reads “Jesus Saves”.
Lights
up on the Ford Family, holding conference in the their living room.
Pa
Ford: And God said that man shall not
lie with a man as with a woman, for it is an abomination. What say you to this, Jacob?
Jacob: Father, The Bible was not written by
God. Men who claimed to be
transcribing the Word of God authored it.
And I believe the reference to homosexuality you quoted is to be found
in the Old Testament, specifically Leviticus.
That section of the Bible is known as the Law, and as the text states,
you cannot pick and choose sections of the Law by which to live. You must take it as a whole, or not at
all. As this family does not live by
the Law, you cannot condemn others based upon its code.
Ma
Ford: You think you can talk your way
out of anything, but you can’t talk your way out of being a faggot when we done
caught you red handed. I have half a
mind to pull my gun out from beneath my slip and put you out of your damn
misery.
Jacob: What are you talking about?
Pa: Jacob, we found the photos of the young
Carpenter boy, the ones you had cut out of your yearbook and put in a scrapbook
beneath your bed.
Jacob: Why were you going through my room? I get good grades in school; I don’t do
drugs; I don’t have any friends I ask to bring over. What more do you want from me?
Ma: What we want is for you not to be a
homo. We don’t need you bringing no
shame to this family’s good name.
Grandma
Ford (offstage): I’m finished on the
pot. Someone please come and help me
get off it.
Ma (shouting) You’ll have to stay on there for a while, momma! We’re talking about Jacob being a homo right now. (back to the family) Now, where were we?
Pa: Our son, the abomination, was about to tell
us about his sick and unnatural infatuation with the Carpenter boy.
Jacob: There’s nothing to tell. Why don’t you just leave me alone?
Pa: We expected such resistance. That is why we called the Carpenter boy’s
mother and asked her to bring him over here tonight.
Jacob: You did what?!
Ma: We had to warn her. We can’t have you infecting her son with
your sick perversions.
Jacob: I’m not staying here for this. I’m leaving.
He
goes to exit, but there is a knock at the door.
Ma: That must be the Carpenters. How does my hair look, Pa? You know how uppity that woman is. I won’t have her looking down on me for
having a fag son and bad hair.
Pa: You look lovely, Ma. Now, son, don’t think about running, cause
you’re on trial, and like any good trial we got ourselves a bailiff. Cousin Jeb is outside with a rifle, and if
you try to run, he’ll shoot you down as quick as he would a jackrabbit. Cause truth be told, I’d rather have a dead
son than a gay son…and you just remember that.
There
is another knock at the door. Ma opens
the door to Mrs. Carpenter and her son (who is quite the looker). Mrs. Carpenter is dressed very fashionably
and expensively. Todd has just finished
with football practice and is dressed the part (though he’s not sporting the
entire outfit). He’s wearing cleats, a
thin t-shirt and a very tight pair of white lace-up football
shorts.
Ma: Welcome to our humble, but happy home, Mrs.
Carpenter! And welcome to you as well,
Todd.
Mrs.
C: My apologies for the way Todd is
dressed; I just picked him up from football practice.
Ma: What position do you play? I’m sad to say our Jacob is set on being a
wide receiver.
Todd: I’m a tight end.
Ma:
(glancing at his ass) Indeed, you are!
What a good-looking young man he is, Mrs. Carpenter! I bet he has all the girls at school chasing
after him.
Todd: Actually…yeah.
Ma: Well, you play the field until the find the
right one, honey, cause there are a lot of bimbos in this world today. There are so many hoes who will open their
legs to anything. They’re like a
Polaroid camera with a button stuck, their legs spread wide, wearing no panties, taking
pictures of every man that passes by their way. It’s a shame and disgrace!
Oh, but I’m just a rambling on!
Do come in.
Pa: (Going to the door) Oh, mother, before you
close that door, there’s one thing I want to do. Now, son, you pay attention.
(Shouting out the door) Cousin Jeb, I don’t think Jacob believes you’re
out there. Can you fire a warning shot
just to let him know we mean business?
A
gunshot is heard in close proximity.
Mrs.
Carpenter: It would appear this is a
bad time…perhaps we should come back another night.
Ma: Nonsense!
We done set out the appetizers for you and everything. Now, you and your fine son come right over
and sit down right in front of them.
We’ve got pigskins and coca cola.
And it’s not just any coca cola; it’s coca cola with hot peanuts thrown
in. There ain’t nothing like hot nuts
and coke on a warm summer’s night! And
if anyone should know something about hot nuts, it’s you, Todd. Now you see, Jacob, it’s alright for me to
say things like that to him, because I’m a woman. I have tits and a vagina, so those words just come out naturally,
like a menstrual cycle. And I’m
certain he appreciates them coming from me, don’t you, stud?
Todd: Um…yeah…I suppose.
Mrs.
C: May I ask why you called us over
here tonight? You said it was
urgent…that it concerned the safety and welfare of my son.
Ma: Well, ashamed as I am to say it, our son is
in love with your son, and we feel his filthy thoughts might infect your
wholesome, handsome pup.
Todd: (standing, glaring at Jacob) What does she
mean you’re in love with me?
Pa: Easy there, fella. The ass whipping will come later. Once we’ve passed judgment, you can take him out back to the
woods and have your way with him. That
way, we won’t get into any trouble with the law for him getting killed on our
property.
Grandma
(offstage): Oh, won’t someone please
come and get me off this pot? I promise
I won’t ask to get back on it anymore tonight.
Ma: Lord, grant me the strength! Pa, we’re going to have to delay the trial a
bit while I go deal with …and I do mean deal with…momma. Look, no one is allowed to say a word until
I get back. I’m sorry, Mrs. Carpenter
that you had to hear my momma; she goes senile sometimes, and there’s nothing
that can be done except to beat her.
I’ll be back shortly.
Ma
goes offstage; everyone else remains in dead silence.
Ma
(offstage): Now, momma, I done told you
about this yelling to get off the pot business, and I told you what I’d do if
you did it again. So, you’ve brought
this on yourself. Sound of someone
being stuck. Now don’t start
crying, cause it ain’t going to help matters none. That uppity woman from the high society part of town is in the
living room, and I ain’t going to have her hear you holler. So I’m going to tape your mouth shut, and
you’re going to sleep on the pot tonight as punishment for acting up. I got enough to worry about; I done found
out Jacob’s a homo, and he’s in love with the Carpenter boy. It’s enough to make me vomit, but your fat
ass is on the pot, and I’m not about to throw up on the floor. Now, just sit here and keep it shut, you
hear me!
Ma
re-enters, more composed.
Ma: Now, where were we? Oh, yes, my son, the queer, the fag, the
abomination, is in love with your son…and wants to do all sorts of perversions
with him, such as fucking him up the ass and drinking his hot load like an
alcoholic sucking on the nozzle of a moonshine still.
Jacob: That’s not true!
Pa: Then explain this to the boy. (Presenting the scrapbook to Todd).
Todd: You’ve cut out all these pictures of me from
the yearbook. It’s true what they say,
isn’t it? Oh God, you are in love with
me.
Jacob: No…not love…
Ma: Lust then…he admits it! Send him to the electric chair!
Jacob: Stop interrupting me! How am I supposed to defend myself if I’m
not allowed to speak? I can’t
believe I even have to do this. Todd,
I’m not in love with you; I mean, how could I be, when I don’t even know
you. I have no idea of what you dream
or aspire to be; I couldn’t describe the happiest moment of your
life. Those are the things that you
know when you’re in love with someone.
It’s more like I want to be you.
I mean, I get up in the morning, and I look in the mirror, and there’s
this awkward person staring back at me.
Then, I go to school, and I see you, someone who has it all. The looks, the athleticism, the
popularity. And me, I don’t fit in
anywhere. I don’t even belong here, in
this house, with my own family. I come
home from school; I go into my room; I shut the door, and I only come out when
I have to. I avoid this family because
every time one of them speaks to me, they make me feel like I’m an alien.
Ma: That’s because you look like one. How you got to be so damn ugly, I’ll never
know.
Jacob: Todd, you never would have known that I felt
this way if my parents hadn’t called your mom.
I wouldn’t, as my mom and dad believe, have tried to turn you gay,
because you can’t make someone something they’re not. I admit, perhaps on your graduation day I would have sent you a
letter, and I would have written to say how beautiful I thought you were. I might have told you of how I hoped that
someday you would have sons and pass that beauty along to them. I might have wished you a good life and told
you that if you ever needed anything, you could always call on me. And every night in my dreams thereafter, you
would have come to me…and we would have been friends and shared a life
of laughter. But now, in those dreams
you will walk in silence; you will not lift your eyes to look on me. It will be as though I am beneath you, that
if you were to acknowledge me, you would somehow debase yourself. My parents were once content to control my
every waking thought, but now they want to control my dreams as well.
Mrs.
Carpenter: Mr. and Mrs. Ford, I think
this has all been blown way out of proportion.
It’s obvious that Jacob didn’t mean any harm to my son. Jacob, Todd isn’t gay, and you realize
that. I’m assuming you’ll just go on as
normal in your interactions at school…meaning you won’t try to have any contact
with Todd, correct?
Jacob: I never meant to cause trouble for
anyone. Todd, I promise I’ll never
bother or speak to you again. I’m sorry
for this; I’m so very sorry.
Todd
just shrugs.
Ma: You think you’re sorry. God forgive me, but if I could go back in
time with a sturdy wire coat hanger I’d fix this mess before it even had a chance
to sprout legs.
Jacob:
(rising) I’m going to my bedroom, packing some clothes, and then I’m leaving.
Ma: Hallelujah!
Pa: I think that’s for the best, son. We couldn’t have you staying under this roof
another night what we’ve just heard.
Exit
Jacob to his bedroom.
Mrs.
Carpenter: We really should be going
now. I have so much to deal with these
days. Todd’s father has cleared out the
bank account and abandoned us. We’re so
destitute, this poor boy had to use his cup from last season for football this
year…and he’s grown so much down below.
They wear white pants, and I keep seeing the imprint of it from where
it’s slipped out.
Todd: Mom!
Ma: And sure enough, there it is, pretty as a
picture! Well, I bet the cheerleaders
like that well enough. It’s all part of
the Lord’s plan, Mrs. Carpenter, to have your son’s seed spread. Go forth and multiply, just like the Good
Book says.
There’s
a knock on the door.
Ma: Who could that be?
Ma opens the door, and sees the lawyer.
Lawyer: Mrs. Ford, I presume…
Ma
slams the door in his face.
Ma: It was just a damn salesman.
Pa
Ford: I wonder why cousin Jeb didn’t
shoot him. Damn no count varmit must
have fallen asleep on the job.
There
is another knock at the door. Ma swings
it open violently.
Ma: Look, mister, whatever you’re selling, we
don’t want none of it. Now, you’d
better clear off that porch before you get a load of buckshot up your ass!
Lawyer: I’m here about a will. A distant relative of Mr. Ford’s has died,
and I have been sent as the will’s executor to inform him of his inheritance.
Ma: You mean we got some money coming to
us? Hell, why didn’t you just say
so? Come on in, and tell us all about
it! Pa, this here lawyer says we got a
pile of money coming to us.
Lawyer: I didn’t exactly…
Ma: Sheila, you can’t leave now, not until you
hear how much money we got coming to us.
Mrs.
C: Well, I suppose we could stay a
while longer. I am intrigued. I mean, what sort of lawyer does any work
after five o’clock?
Lawyer: This is a very special case, with certain
time limitations involved.
Pa: Now who do you say done died?
Lawyer: Mr. Ford, I presume?
Pa: Yes, that’s me.
Lawyer:
(somberly) I’m sad to tell you that your seventh cousin, Silas, has passed.
Pa: No need to say it like that, cause it ain’t
no sorrow to me. I ain’t never even
heard of the man.
Lawyer: Well, that’s good I suppose. I do hate to be the bearer of bad news.
Ma: Just get to the part about how much he left
us.
Lawyer: Possibly one to two million for each of you.
Mrs.
Carpenter: As in dollars?
Ma: No, Sheila, he means beans and
franks. Of course, the man means
dollars, don’t you?
Lawyer:
Why, yes, of course.
Ma: Then give it to us!
Lawyer: It’s not that simple. You see; there’s a clause in the will.
Silence,
due to the fact that the Fords don’t understand what he’s just said.
Mrs.
C: He means there’s something that has
to be done before you can lay claim to the money.
Lawyer: Yes, and it’s certainly the strangest clause
I’ve ever encountered. There’s not
really an established legal term for what Silas wrote in his will, so we at the
firm have taken to calling it the ‘gay clause’.
Ma: What in the name of all that’s holy do you
mean?
Lawyer: Mr. Ford, Silas included a clause in his
will, which states that only a homosexual can lay claim to the
inheritance. From the time I walked
through the door, you or a member of your family would have twelve hours in
which to perform a homosexual act, which I would capture on video as undeniable
proof of homosexuality. The inheritance
would be doubled if a same sex marriage took place within this span of
time. However, this marriage would have
to be consummated…and once again, that consummation would have to be videotaped
as irrefutable proof that the Ford in question was a homosexual. So, if anyone in this house wants to be a
million or two dollars richer come tomorrow, they have until approximately sunrise
to fulfill the ‘gay clause’.
Shocked
silence.
Ma: Well, shit.
Lawyer: I know; it is a lot to take in.
Ma: No, I mean our meal ticket is about to head
out the door. Our son is the genuine
article. He’s destined to be a
cocksucker if there ever was one born.
Mrs.
C: And of course, with the way he’s
been treated, there’s no way he’s going to stay. He’s certainly not going to care about the money, and what other
incentive do you have to offer him?
Ma
Ford and Pa Ford look at one another, and then turn towards Todd.
Pa: Son, what do you think of marrying another
man?
Todd: (rising) Oh, no, not me. I’m not turning into a fag, no matter how
much you pay me. I’ve got a girlfriend;
I’m on the football team. There’s no
way I’m getting involved in something like this.
Todd
has crossed to the door, opened it, and is about to exit.
Pa Ford: I wouldn’t go running out that
door if I were you, son. Cousin Jeb is
out there with a rifle, and he’s mighty jumpy on that trigger finger.
Mrs.
C: (Going to Todd, putting her hand on
his shoulder) Now, Todd, be reasonable.
We’re almost bankrupt; we have nothing left. And your mother needs her Armani, her Gucci, and her Prada. I didn’t want to have to tell you this, but
your father didn’t just abandon us. He
ran off with another man.
Todd: What?!
Mrs.
C: Yes, I know it’s hard to believe,
but it’s true. They’ve opened a dildo
factory in Amsterdam, and because they’ve crossed international borders, I
can’t petition the court to get alimony or child support from him. Your father performed any number of
homosexual acts to destroy our lives; you only have to perform one to put us
back on easy street. So what if it’s
broadcast all over CNN? We’ll be
millionaires, and people can’t laugh the rich, because the rich are better than
everyone else. Todd, I never thought
I’d say this, but I need for you to be like your dad tonight, and take one for
the team. The only team that
matters…your family.
Ma: There will be nothing to it, hot stuff. Just go into Jacob’s room, pull it out, wave
it around a bit, and he’ll have it in his mouth faster than a child molester
set loose in a pre-school. You’ll get
the blowjob of your life and a million dollars on top of it.
Lawyer: I’m afraid it’s not that simple. Receiving a blowjob is not considered a
homosexual act.
Ma: Since when?
Lawyer:
Well, since the dawn of time. Receiving
a blowjob has always been considered a simple act of leisure. Many married heterosexual men have men on
the side that give them blow jobs because their wives will either not perform
the act or will not perform it as frequently as desired. Getting a blowjob from another man does not
make a man gay. Just as a woman receiving
oral satisfaction from another woman does not make her gay. These are extracurricular activities that
have no bearing whatsoever on an individual’s sexuality. So, if this young man wants two million
dollars, first he’s going to have to marry Jacob, thereby legally becoming a
Ford and entitling himself to a share of the inheritance. Secondly, he will have to give Jacob a
blowjob and/or engage in anal penetration.
Either receiving or giving the latter constitutes a homosexual act.
Todd: I don’t think I can do this.
Mrs.
C: Now, Todd, quit stalling. March right into that bedroom, and do what
you have to do. And if at any time you
think of backing out, then remember your poor starving mother and the rags
she’s wearing.
Todd: And just what am I supposed to
do? Go into the bedroom, and say,
“Jacob, I’ve had this sudden realization that I’m gay and I have to be with
you. We’re going to get married
tonight, and then I’m going to blow you.
Oh, by the way, your religious right parents have come around as well,
and they’ve given us their blessing to be married and to perform queer sex acts
beneath their roof.”
Ma: No, what you do is you go into that bedroom,
and you tell Jacob that his pa has had a heart attack, and we’ve all rushed off
to the emergency room in your ma’s car.
Believe me, he won’t care that his pa is dying, cause he knows his pa
wouldn’t care if he were dying.
Pa: Sad, Lord, but true.
Ma: We’ll all be hiding in the armoire over
there, except the lawyer, who’ll be videotaping your queer sex act through
Jacob’s bedroom window.
Todd: And how am I supposed to marry him? We don’t even have a priest.
Lawyer: No, but I am a justice of the peace, so I
can legally perform the ceremony. When
you’re ready to marry the boy, lead him from the bedroom into the living room,
then stall for a few minutes until I can change into a priest costume and come
back around to the front of the house.
Ma: What about a marriage license? Don’t they need one for this ungodly union
to be legal?
Lawyer: I’ll prepare one after the ceremony and have
all respective guardians sign it at that time.
The paperwork is the easy part, Mrs. Ford; the difficult step in the
process is for Todd to actually convince Jacob to marry him. That may take the entire night, and keep in
mind, he only has until just before sunrise to seal the deal.
Mrs.
C: Todd, please, just hurry and
go! Your mother needs new clothes! I can feel a rash breaking out from this
cheap four hundred dollar shirt!
Ma: Come on then; let’s all get into the closet,
so Todd can come out of one.
Ma,
Pa, and Mrs. C get into the armoire.
Mrs. C: Oh, I feel like I’m in Hamlet,
concealing myself like this.
Ma: I could sure go for a piece of ham myself,
but your son has to get his piece of meat first.
They
close the closet door.
Todd: I think I’m going to be sick.
The
lawyer puts his hand on Todd’s shoulder and leads him away from the armoire, so
none of the others can hear him.
Lawyer: Look, kid, for two million dollars you’d
think you would be a bit more open-minded.
Todd: It’s just so disgusting, the thought of
having to make out with another guy.
Lawyer: Listen, before I came inside, I had a nice
long conversation with Cousin Jeb, and we got to know each other real
well. I can go out waving a white flag
and tell him that you’ve decided to run.
I’m almost certain he won’t shoot you.
By the time everyone realizes you’re gone, it’ll be too late to try and
locate you. Sure, you and your mother
will be dirt poor for the rest of your lives, but you can live proud in poverty
knowing that you’ve never lowered yourself to kiss another man.
Todd: Alright, I’ll do it…but only because I know
my girlfriend will blow me without acting like it’s killing her if I buy her
something nice with the money I get.
Lawyer: Whatever it takes, kid, whatever it
takes. I’ll be watching from the other
side of the looking glass.
He
exits, carrying the video camera. Todd
crosses to the bedroom door.
Todd: (exhaling deeply) Just think of him as an
ugly girl. An ugly girl, that’s all he
is.
He
knocks on the door.
Jacob: I’m almost done packing; just go away and
leave me alone.
Todd: It’s me, Todd. Something’s come up. Your dad thought he was having a heart
attack, so my mom drove your parents to the emergency room. They left me here alone and…um…I got bored
and was fooling around…and I’ve tied my football shorts too tight, and now the
string has a big knot in it…and I need help to undo the laces, cause I’m losing
circulation to vitally important areas.
One
or more of the characters is looking at him in disbelief from the armoire. He’s looking back at them, shrugging,
because he has no idea what he’s supposed to be saying. Jacob suddenly opens the door. It’s apparent he’s been crying.
Jacob: Come
in. I don’t want to be out there in
case they come back.
Jacob
crosses and sits on the bed. Todd
remains standing.
Todd: Are you
alright?
Jacob: I’m being
thrown out of my home, Todd, because of something that is as innate to me as my
hair or eye color. On top of that, I
was embarrassed in front of you, the person I idolize most in the world. And whereas before I could exist with some
form of hope in my dreams that you might someday befriend me, now I’m left with
the memory of you standing in my run-down living room yelling, “What do you
mean you’re in love with me?” Yeah, I’m
doing just fine.
Todd: Look, man,
don’t sweat it. I had to say what I
said because my mom was there.
Truthfully, I’ve always been intrigued by you. I think that you’re different from everyone else.
Jacob:
Different? Yeah, that’s the
adjective I’ve always longed for the man of my dreams to use in describing me.
Todd: No, I mean
you’ve just got something going on that made me notice you. I just don’t say what I mean very well. It’s because I’m stepping around what I’m
trying to say. Let me start again. Jacob, I’m glad we’re alone. There’s something I want to tell you.
Jacob: Come over
here and say it, and I’ll see if I can help with those laces. We can’t have anything ‘vital’ falling off,
now can we?
Todd: No, we most definitely
cannot.
Todd
crosses to Jacob, and Jacob examines the laces.
Jacob: I don’t see where’s these are knotted. I thought you said you couldn’t get them
untied.
Todd: Like I said, I sometimes step around what it
is that I’m trying to say because I’m too afraid to come right out and say it
directly.
Jacob: Todd, you don’t have to be afraid with me
Todd: Jacob, I’m gay, and I’m really
into you.
He
reaches down, takes Jacob’s face in his hands, leans in, and kisses him. Surprisingly, it looks quite genuine and
unforced.
Jacob: (after Todd has pulled away) Is this a
dream? My whole life has been like a
nightmare. How can this be real?
Todd: You ain’t seen nothing yet, baby. And just remember, you’re in a dream. Don’t let anything wake you. Forget everything else and just come with
me.
He
takes Jacob by the hand and leads him into the center of the living room.
Todd: Promise me you’ll remember this moment for
your entire life.
Jacob: I promise.
Todd
kneels and takes Jacob by the hand.
Todd: Jacob Ford, would you do me the honor of
becoming my husband?
Jacob: (taking back his hand) Why are you doing
this to me? Did my parents put you up
to this?
Todd: What do you mean? I’m trying to show you how much I’m into you.
Jacob: With a marriage proposal?
Ma:
(looking out the side of the armoire) Oh, Lord, the Titanic done struck the
iceberg!
Celine
Damn Dion is going to prance through the door any minute singing “My Heart Will
Go On”…only it ain’t.
Todd: Why are you getting so upset? I thought this would be a dream come true
for you.
Jacob: It is a dream come true Todd; that’s
why it can’t be real. My life is so
awful and so devoid of luck that something like this can’t happen to me. I mean, the universe just isn’t this good to
one person. It’s statistically
impossible that the man I have yearned for from afar for so long, the man who
from all outward appearances is completely heterosexual, can have a complete
turnaround of his sexuality and propose marriage to me in the middle of my
Christian Right parents’ living room while wearing football shorts that are so
tight and transparent that I can see the outline of his jock strap and the cleft
of his ass through them. It just
cannot…
Todd
stands, takes Jacob’s face in his hands, and kisses him passionately. The kiss goes on for sometime, until a knock
is heard at the door.
Jacob:
(startled) Oh, no, they’ve come back.
Todd: Just act cool and answer the door like
nothing’s happened.
Jacob: I can’t do it. I can’t face them.
Jacob
starts to cross to his bedroom door. Todd goes to the main door and opens
it. The lawyer, dressed as a priest,
enters theatrically.
Priest: Children, the Lord Almighty has guided me to
this house! He spoke unto me that there
was a union of souls that had to be performed this night, and to be quick about
it, for there were devils that would try and stand in its way!
Jacob: I don’t believe this.
Priest: Believe, child, in the power of God
Almighty, and you shall receive your heart’s desire a thousand times over.
Todd: Our love is a miracle, Jacob. All you have to do is believe. (kneeling and extending his hand) Jacob
Lucas Ford, will you do me the honor of becoming my husband?
Jacob: (crossing to him and taking his hand, near
tears) Yes, Christian Todd Carter, I will.
Ma:
(aside) I think I’m going to be sick.
Jacob: But wait…we don’t have wedding bands to
present to one another.
Priest: There are rings worn round the heart, forged
of metal more precious than gold. If
they be present, the material bands are unimportant.
Todd: They are, Father, of that I assure you.
Priest: Very well then. Since we are so short of time, I will perform the simplest
ceremony I know, though its bonds are as strong and as lasting as any they may
be spoken. Christian Todd Carter do you
take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this
day forth, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, until death do
you part?
Todd: You bet I do.
Priest: Do you Jacob Lucas Ford take this man to be
your lawfully wedded husband to have and to hold from this day forth, in
sickness and in health, for better or for worse, until death you part?
Jacob: I do.
Priest: Then by the power vested in me, I now
pronounce you legally wed. Christian
Todd Carter, you may now kiss your husband.
Todd: Gladly!
They
kiss, and it continues all through the following lines of dialogue.
Ma: He said that a little bit too
enthusiastically for my taste. And just
look at him go! Sheila, he might just
be a fag after all. Sheila? Pull yourself together, woman, you just
became a millionaire!
Mrs.
C: (weeping) My son just a married a man, and he won’t stop kissing him!
Ma: Well, like father like son I suppose. Speaking of fathers, Pa what are you doing
back there? I ain’t heard a peep out of
you this whole time. Don’t you want to
stick your head out and see your son swapping spit with your new
son-in-law?
Pa: No.
Ma: Well, I really don’t want to be looking at
it either. To tell the truth, I’m
tempted to pull out my gun and shoot them both.
The
kissing stops, and Todd sweeps Jacob into his arms.
Todd: You know what comes next, baby.
Jacob: Actually, I’m not quite
sure, but I think it’ll be enjoyable.
Todd: Father, we’re going to take our
leave of you now.
Priest: I hope the consummation is all you ever
dreamed it would be.
Carrying
Jacob, Todd exits to the bedroom. With
the hand that Jacob cannot see, he flips the priest and those in the armoire
the bird. After he has exited, everyone
climbs out of the dresser.
Priest: I’ve got to hurry so I can catch every
minute of this straight on gay porno action on film!
He
exits.
Ma: I’ve heard that many a Catholic priest has
been known to say a thing like that, especially where young boys are
concerned. That’s why I can’t stand a
Catholic. I’d shoot one of them the
same way I’d shoot a faggot. Speaking
of faggots, your son sure was acting the part.
He locked lips so long I thought he was giving Jacob a
tonsillectomy. I bet if I looked long
enough, I could find the damn things on the floor.
Mrs.
C: Mary, what that brave boy did was
for the love of his mother. Todd is the
epitome of a young heterosexual male.
Just the other day, I walked in on him orally stimulating his
girlfriend, and I said to him, “I’m proud of you, son! You keep on doing that, and have her blow
you in reciprocation, and we won’t have any damn screaming babies disturbing
the serene calm of this beautifully decorated mansion.” If more parents openly encouraged oral sex,
the rate of teen pregnancy would greatly be diminished. I’ll never forget when I gave Todd the talk;
he was nine years old and licking on a lollipop, and I looked at him, and I
said, “Todd, what you are doing to that lollipop, you must do to a
clitoris.” And it’s been an easy ride
with him ever since.
Looking
very ill, Todd comes running out of the bedroom, his cheeks puffed out, his
hand over his mouth. He runs straight
for the door.
Pa: Why I do believe that boy’s got himself a
mouthful of cum. Son, I wouldn’t go
running out that door if I were you.
Cousin Jeb…
Todd
has run out the door, and a single gunshot is heard.
Mrs.
C: My baby!
Mrs.
Carpenter goes running out after Todd, and another gunshot is heard.
Jacob
emerges from the bedroom, wearing only his underwear. (And, for the love of the
audience, have him be wearing anything but boxers! Tight boxer briefs or briefs are acceptable).
Jacob: Todd, wait!
He
sees his mom and dad, and instinctively covers himself with his hands.
Jacob:
Mom…Dad. I thought you were at
the hospital.
Ma: And a fine son
you are; your pa is on his deathbed, and you’ve got the Todd Carpenter model of
the Hoover vacuum cleaner line turned up full throttle on your penis.
Jacob: Where did he
go?
Ma: Aren’t you
going to even ask how your pa is doing?
Jacob: He’s obviously fine. Where’s Todd?
Pa: Seeing as how he died with another
man’s load sticking to his teeth, my guess would be that his immortal soul is
burning in hell right about now.
Jacob: He’s not
dead. You’re just being hurtful. Like always.
Ma: Pa’s not being
hurtful; he’s just telling the truth.
Damn fool ran out the door cause he couldn’t take the god-awful taste of
your cum and Cousin Jeb shot him dead.
Jacob
runs for the door.
Ma: Pa, restrain
him.
Jacob’s
Pa grabs him and holds him forcefully.
Ma: I’ll make sure
we’ve got our bases covered in case he gets loose.
She crosses to
the door and yells outside.
Ma: Cousin Jeb,
there won’t be anymore shooting tonight.
You’ve had enough fun for one evening.
Now, take your liquored up-ass home, and we’ll see you at church on
Sunday.
Ma
comes back in and gets a bottle out a dresser and a small dishcloth or other
piece of fabric. She pours some of the
contents of the bottle onto the cloth.
Jacob: Todd and I
are married now; you can’t keep us apart!
Ma: A faggot and a
moron, you certainly were cursed at birth.
That Carpenter boy was only pretending to love you cause the lawyer came
and told him he’d get a million dollars for marrying you. Then that same lawyer dressed as a priest
and performed the ceremony. I just
thank the good Lord my house didn’t get struck by lighting in the process. You’ve always had your head in the clouds,
Jacob, just like a little fairy…and we’d knew you’d fall for it. Trust me, that boy hated you as much as I
do.
Jacob: I don’t
believe you.
Ma: I don’t care
what you believe, but I ain’t having no more trouble out of you tonight. It’s bad enough you’ve been such a
disappointment to your pa and me, but you ain’t going to spoil our chances of
getting rich on top of it all. Now, I’m
going to take this here turpentine rag and put it over your mouth, just like I
did when you were a baby and I couldn’t take your damn crying no more. I just wish I could go back and hold it over
your face until the Lord took you, and then you wouldn’t have grown up to be a
cock-sucking queer.
She
puts the cloth over Jacob’s mouth/nose.
Ma: Just breathe
in, and you’ll be in dreamland in no time.
Then you can dream about marrying that Carpenter boy all you want,
because that’s all it ever was…a dream.
And God don’t have dreams come true for no faggot.
Jacob
passes out.
Ma: Now, Pa, I’ll
help you put him on the couch over there.
We’ll let this infidel stay under the roof tonight, collect the two
million in the morning, and then send our shame from this house forever.
Enter
Lawyer (once again dressed as a lawyer).
Lawyer: Well,
what’s happened to our little millionaire/porn star?
Ma: We had to knock him out cause he
found out his husband had run out the door like a damn fool and got himself
shot dead by Cousin Jeb.
Lawyer: That is
most unfortunate.
Ma: Not really. The way that Carpenter boy kissed my son, he
had to be a faggot. And the only good
faggot is a dead one. And the best news
is that his uppity mother got blown away too.
Lawyer: No, I meant
that it is unfortunate about the money.
With the Carpenter boy and his mother dead, no one here can legally
claim the inheritance.
Ma: What the hell
do you mean, no one can claim it? Look
at the after-cum that’s still seeping onto my boy’s shorts. That is certifiable proof he’s been the
victim of a homosexual act.
Lawyer: No, that’s
proof that he was the recipient of a blowjob, a fact to which this video camera
and myself can readily attest. But as I
stated before, getting a blowjob is not considered the fulfillment of a
homosexual act.
Ma: Well, he did
get married, and that you can’t deny because you performed the
ceremony. So, we at least are gonna get
a million out of you!
Lawyer: When they
married, Todd and Jacob were both under the age of eighteen. As you well know, we agreed to sign the
marriage license later this evening. It
won’t do any good for either you or Mr. Ford to sign it when Mrs. Carpenter is
dead, and Mr. Carpenter in on another continent. Since parental consent cannot be obtained for one of the grooms,
the ceremony is invalidated. You can’t
claim a million dollars for a wedding that wasn’t legal.
Ma: You lawyers and
queers are just alike, always fucking someone up the ass, and then acting like
you’ve done them a favor! You just
don’t want us to get that money! You’ve
been trying to stop us ever since you walked through the door!
Lawyer: I’m doing nothing
of the sort. I’m standing here, telling
you now, without hesitation, that you cannot legally claim one cent of the
departed Mr. Ford’s money. I’m telling
you this now while there’s still time for you to act.
Ma: Act? Act how?
There’s just family in this house now.
Lawyer: I didn’t
make the rules; I just came to state them and to have you decide how to
proceed. I’m not here to force anyone
to do anything against their religion, their beliefs, or to violate any one’s
moral code. I can walk out the door
right now if you so choose and let you get on with your lives as you lived them
before I came.
Ma: That’s what you
want, for us to go on being poor while you eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in
some five star restaurant with the money my husband’s kin left to us. Well, you can forget about it, you snake oil
selling son of a bitch!